IDLE

2025

Have you ever notice in your life, there was a time that you let yourself be idle. You see life move but you just stay put. There. Just there. Alive but dead inside? being hard on self and not enjoying life, the present. Now that it has happened long ago I finally want to talk about it. Tbh, I feel like i was coward.. i was not confident with myself, with everything around me, I also not know much. I know nothing but still got to keep doing life. So many thing I wasn't prepared for, there was no person for me to go to actually being an adult, to talk about it, I honestly feel scared to being one. That time I always think im a child please help me how to decide. I had a hard time to choose, to dream, to be creative, to be free because I just don't know. It might be because of the relationship i had going on at that time, the mindset just not growing oh my god i was dull. 

So i guess i put so much energy on unnecessary thing, for a long freaking time, thinking what can work, while at last, nothing really benefit me.. just oh my god why do i waste my time and energy for that -.- when i could have done so much more. But still anyway, what matters is now, I know I have grown so much and a lot better than before.

I know i can't change the fact that I have let myself being stuck in the moment for quite a period of time, it was suck. It was such a loss of time when i could have made a lot of friends, made memories, catch that flights, hike that mountains and the list can go on.. so yeah shame on me that i shut people off, hesitant to step forward. So if you catch yourself in that position, please wake up you are so going to regret.

Nevertheless, I believe in takdir Allah, He knows better and to put me in position where its best for my own good because I might damage my own self if it was the other way round. I redha and if I want to be happy and create memories i can still do it now Alhamdulillah because I'm so ALIVE. 

I can't thank You enough. I'm grateful.. I'm blessed 😇

Proudly say I am a Woman, We Women are Amazing

I thought that in my life, I have lived quite decent and I thought I was okay with that, putting focus on only at certain spot but now actually, life is just much more than that, you don't really live for yourself, but for the people. However, to be involved with people you should have see yourself first, What's inside you, How you want deal with it, And what's coming from you, say you're a tree, Roots (inside you) must be sturdy enough to let people hanging on to you in the future. I want to be that someone who people can rely on. Not to deny, the idea of depending to someone could be so great and awesome at some point but we all should know, You can't really sure of that someone but what can you always sure of is you, YOURSELF. 

These past months have been an eye opening to me, It felt good and kind of fulfilling for myself, the sense of responsibility and seriousness all together is what I have lost a long time ago. Confuse, no rationality and drowning with all those never ending thoughts and feelings, which not helping at all is slowly gone. I have learned that we have two options, either YES OR NO but we are sometimes have so much time and keep dragging and make it hard on ourselves to not choose and to not settle it down or sometimes we just never find solution to it at all and be ignorant. Just be prepared it might will haunt you again in future. Ofc sure you can't apply this to everything but it does make sense at some part of our life decision. This somehow, a lesson and just a right time for me to rebuild my character. I'm grateful and forever will be. Alhamdulillah. 

I am very grateful to finally realize, thankful for whom I met along the way, not all but right now I know who I really want to keep close to, proud of my circle and i will now decide what I want and I know my worth. My time, my sanity and myself is valuable in this life, always been, always will. This will not happened too if i never met and see how ridiculous and trashy some people can be. So ladies, Please take time knowing some people because you might meet a living trash. The one that put your life upside down and only know how to bring out the worse in you just so He can feel better about himself. I have no idea how this person is able to live until now but (I'm sorry i sound very harsh) Okay let's pray that he will get a good life ahead. Thank you for the time and thank you for showing me that this is exactly WHAT I DON'T WANT. I wouldn't be at my place right now if it's not from knowing someone like you, kinda feel i wasted my time and energy too but luckily not for long.. suka or not we gotta deal with it and I'm truly Done. 

For all the people that is struggling so hard right now, please don't give up. Just pray and keep believing that Allah will surely open the door for you, sooner or later.. Keep hanging on to HIM. Keep learning and try your best to always be better, you will never stop learning selagi hidup kat dunia ni. And stay humble, We might think that we Are RIGHT, but we are human we CAN BE VERY WRONG too so you shall listen to people in order for you to GROW by CHANGE. Ever wonder why same things keep happening to you? If so this is the time for you to CHANGE. 

Look at yourself first. Blame yourself, and not so fast on others. Stay humble... :) 

Last Hope

This pandemic is killing me. I feel awful. People around me mostly felt the same. Covid 19 not only affecting physically but some be mentally disturbed too. I have tried my very best to stay positive and having a good thinking also hope that it will get better soon. It's like I thought i have it altogether yesterday but after pkp was announced, i really need time to process, and I really did give myself a break.. But soon after I'm OKAY it's like some people can SENSE it and really had to ruin it for me. I know it's not easy for you.. Just to inform that ITS NOT FOR ME TOO. You think I have everything figured out too? You know I respect you and aware that you are struggling I may not understand it but it doesn't mean that I don't care. Just note also that You ARE NOT ALONE. There are people out there that has no place to stay, no parents, NO food to eat, NO family, etc which difficulties they're facing we have no idea at all... Try to be GRATEFUL. I'm not playing GOD. I just feel that you are too much. JUST FOR INFORMATION I CAN BE BITCHY TOO BUT THAT WOULDNT MAKE IT ANY BETTER in this situation I ALSO DON'T WANT to be mad they say semua itu syaitan, and i think i have enough demons to deal inside me and i dont want to add more. 

YOU CAN BE MAD. BUT YOU DONT LET IT OUT TO PEOPLE. I'm not a punching bag. I'm not YOUR PUNCHING BAG. If you really need it LETS GET YOU ONE. You can't just let out your anger to me like it won't hurt me.  I'm welcoming whoever want to come to me. I will try my best I know sometimes I am not much help but if you want to stay I can be that safe place for you. If you think you're comfortable with me well that's good. I can accept and you can let everything out to me I don't mind. Just when you mad and angry and getting harsh, I don't like that. I can't handle that much and I'm sorry. I want to keep myself SANE TOO. Deal it with yourself first. 

I'm aware that i'm not perfect. I have so many flaws. I have so much more to learn. Sometimes I feel like a tin kosong. I tak tahu byk benda and I think that's okay. I will openly listen and let people have their moment of say sometimes we do not need to agree. Sometimes it is not about right or wrong. I can be stubborn to sometimes I don't want to listen but please don't get mad over discussion or whatever. Oh just talk it out will you? We are only human. That's just us being human. WE NEED TO KNOW NOT EVERYTHING WE DO OR WE SAID IS NOT AWLAYS RIGHT. SO IT WONT HURT TO EXPLAIN AND ENTERTAIN ME! & not being bitchy abt it. 

Also never in my intention to let anyone around me feel small. It sucks. It sure did because I have experience it myself. I guess you just don't know me much. I never want to compete especially with you I'm in a place where i want to grow w people around me. Learn new things, teaching each other what's better because we want to GROW and be BETTER not stay at the same place. (without humiliating and degrading OF COURSE.) WE ONLY HUMANS. I can be dumb sometimes. WE CAN BE DUMB AT SOME POINT IN OUR LIFE.

I can't understand human, unless you talk to me. YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN BEINGS. It is impossible. YOU WILL NEVER FIGURE THEM OUT UNLESS THEY TELL YOU WHAT's in their head. Ever wonder the book that you read, YOU READ WHOLE THING for few times but you still can't understand it? That is actually a well put written but you still can't understand it imagine a human. I can't.

You're my 2020

I'm actually in the middle of preparing my order but my mind keep thinking about you and i had to stop for awhile and i really feel like venting here. It's not like i never talk to my friends about this but i tend to not say really anything and i will get them confuse and I myself confuse too my head it can suddenly go blank because i feel too much and i need time to actually calm down. It's funny Idk i guess i've passed to this situation when you live all you want to do is to impress people around you, care what people think, when actually in reality they don't even care. They're not the one that always around you, support you or anything. So why care and being hard on yourself so that people can see you doing good. Being extra nice to strangers when actually you should prioritise your loved ones. Like, how can you not be nice to the one that loves you? I know it's hard for you but this is not fair for me... Not fair. 

Thank you Halsey for the good song... BE KIND. Amazing how it speaks my mind. 

I'm done. Was hoping you are the one, my last and my future. But never mind. Things change, people change, words just cheap. Note that I'm not that perfect so not trying to be a winner here. Just venting and being bitter. And sad. Haha. I will try to slowly forget about this and just focus on what's around me. Work, family and good friends. You're my 2020. 2020 was not bad, not that good either. A year that makes me confuse but without it i will not know that life has prepared me quite different lesson one after another. It has been a journey. A hella one. 

Anyway Alhamdulillah reaching 2021 alive and still processing. Planning for something big this year I couldn't be grateful enough that i finally had my mind going on for new venture. Sometimes you just need to sit back and open your eyes and see that life offers so much opportunity and chance they are all might just laying around you. MasyaAllah! <3

Regret?

Something that you really want to do, something you want to fulfil, something that you desire. It will eat you up someday If you don't really settle or make peace with it. It is totally fine to sometimes not carry it through. What is not fine is that thinking you should have done this and that in the past so that you might turn out to be much better than you are right now is Wrong. Such Regrets, we don't need it in here. In this moment, and the future. Just know that you have this moment and start living. Start doing and go for what you want. Slow and steady. You live and you move. Stop looking back and not do nothing.

Its not easy to fight with our own self, you can give yourself time and period doing so and just know you can end it as well. You have the power to be fully in charge of yourself. Put a deadline so it won't drag much longer. It's not always easy but it is that simple. You don't want again to look back after 2 years and see the same thing. 

Let's take a moment and take a deep breath.. Alhamdulillah.

It will be fine InsyaAllah.

Electrifying?

In this running life, there must be a person, someone that you can say very crucial to you that they have played a big part in your life. 

Ok so let's cut it short that you are now so far from each other and now no longer involved with each other's lives anymore and you can't reasoned it and it just happen so that way. Each one of us probably gone through this at least once in their lifetime. So you might relate to this I hope I'm not the only one.

Every time you reminded of them it hurts so much. Even only for a seconds I can feel the pain burning inside of me sometimes electrifying and I'm not really sure where does it hurts. I hope it's not coming from my organ. I tried my best to live a decent life the thought of having physical pain is not a good thing. Since I can't help myself to not think of you make it harder to not feel that burns, even just for a seconds. Funny, because i love staying late at night but these days I try hard to fall asleep as early as i can. Because you know why, I can't bear the thought of you coming linger at me at every possible night and I can't help it but to feel SAD. I don't want to feel it but I can't stop it. Tonight I just let it coming thru and it keep me up and made me overthink hence I need to pour this out tonight. Hopefully it will gets better. Yes it will. Just not yet. 

Let me sleep

I'm okay. For the moment I'm okay. I hope it will stay like this for a long long long time. I have a lot in mind. Can say that I'm quite mad now so whatever I think of now it will connect to that and this its like there will be no end and I know i will just create blame after blame. My very reason is as clear as daylight, at least for now. How I wish to have a straight mind and no time of straying. 

Peace and Love

Allah tahu. Allah tahu apa yang kita fikir, Allah tahu apa yang kita buat, Allah tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Allah bagi sakit. Allah bagi masa untuk fikir, Allah bagi kekuatan untuk bangun balik.
Sesungguhnya, Allah Maha Tahu. 

I went through phase of the lowest point of my life. I couldn't find anything that can make me happy and I barely surviving. I used to find things and make fun out of it. It was that easy last time but not at that time. I let myself to be sad,  I don't know if I exaggerated about it or I was just really really sad and it happened for quite a some time. I was aware of it but I felt helpless regardless. Hopeless. Being mentally broken but physically okay made me think of what if it is the other way round. Would i feel different, would it hurt different, would it be less painful, would i get healed faster? God knows what nonsense I had in mind and He really did gave me a cold fever.

Was a little excited (I barely get sick, Alhamdulillah for a good health) (I thought normal fever)
Was worried and the fever keep coming until I can't take it and went to the clinic. 
Was horrified thinking I might be getting dengue fever but no Alhamdulillah. 
It is Chicken Pox. Haa. Funny right.. at this age. But actually its not at all. 
It was crazy. Not feeling myself at all for the first few days. It was all over my skin. MY SKIN.. and what we learned from school that SKIN IS THE LARGEST ORGAN of the body. It irritates me like hell.. I can't get a proper sleep. I even can't think straight and becoming senile. Imagine that it feels like people poking you the whole time. So I was thinking the reason why I can't function properly also because of that my receptor sense of touch is overused. I might sound dramatic but it really felt like that I just want to let people know. And to remind my ungrateful ass in the future. 

So after awhile, I realised that I can't even take it rationally the small pain that was gifted to me. Made me think and to remember I had the support of my family especially from my mom during this hell of time. (She helped me to pantang, what to eat and what not). To cherish and be grateful for what I have.. and life is short so take it easy, don't think too much, remind yourself of the great things that happened in life. You are just precious as others!

Don't be sad for too long. Find solution and approach to what you think may caused you feel that way. Go and settle. Seek Allah and ask for his guidance. (don't forget to pray).. I once thought so empty I had received nothing in return but no.. Allah Maha Tahu.  Allah Maha Besar.

Life is worth living, so live it another day.. 
Life is worth living again. (jb)

**You've done a great job.. You did well so far  and did nice to others/parents. We've come this far! Also is for all my friends who happen to read this. 

The thing about being sad also will slowly affect your health. You tend to invite such problems because when you are weak mentally, your immune system will be the same state as well. And that's bad. 

Selfish

Hello world, 
I haven't write for a long time and yo I have so much to say yet I got no time. ( I never actually try to spare my time )
Today is perfect. I had my breakfast and I had a plenty hours of sleep last night so...


Not long ago, I have always thought myself as a selfish person. But now. 
Wow
I've met someone suits for the word, better. 

I do admit, sometimes, I actually don't give a damn, don't care at all for certain person for their certain problems because it's not worth my time. I am actually selfish for whom I can't get along with so that's a clear reason right? 

But little did you know, I may act like I don't care but I understand well. 
I don't want to live a complicated life, with dramas and stupid issues.
It's not that I can't handle it.
It's because I can avoid it. 
That is why.

But hey hidup tak selalu indah, meanwhile we're living in this community, together... (obviously we all can't avoid that) Let's get things straight.
Let's freaking chill. Let's freaking live like human! A kind human being. A freaking considerate being. With a freaking empathy inside that bloody pumping heart of yours.

I don't care how UNFORTUNATE of you for being raised and for acting that way, I don't want to tolerate with that. Because it's all on you now, you are older enough, wise enough and FORTUNATE enough to use your mind but you can still not care other people around you?? as long as you're safe and senang depend on people?? I can't accept that. Great, if you really want to keep it that way for as long as you live,( i don't believe people can change too so) it's more welcome if you leave. Just go away and let's both not care and not know each other anymore. I, have no problem at all.

Idk

Hello,
There is so much things in my head lately. 
I wish I could let it all out at once. But no, I can't just tell everything here. 
Ritually I usually do is ringing anyone who I can rely on and talk to them. Gratefully yeah I have a few of them. 

But this one. Hm 
Not everyone knows about how it impacts so much in my life. Maybe someone does but I have never been open about it, it has been a long time. If that someone really pays attention... That someone might know, because I can say I had talked about it a lot. 


-----no one cares anymore, I don't care anymore.


But again, today out of blue I dreamt about you. I've lost count of how many times you ever did appear in my dream but maybe this time its the fifth. You were so helpless that I helped to pick you up. It's weird because I kinda remember it thoroughly. I acted so honest and true. Maybe just because I was deeply care and now still. Guess I will always care for you. It's good to have this feeling though. 

As for today, I'm so frustrated of myself, what I really spare for people around me. 

--It's not easy anymore. 

I am not bothered. 

Night thoughts

For me, everything will never be the same, the new never be good as the old one. Every part of it. Back then, we were so insanely open and innocent at the first place that we give all in, those contacts we've made with people which literally never crossed in our mind wondering where it's going to take us, where does it lead. We don't mind with break ups or being broken because we were so bustle for fun and more. Yes, it's true by going through it we've lived we've grown  we've learned we've fought we've figured we've tried we've cried we've failed we've accepted, how we are better than before, and who we are now because of the past. Experiencing all these make us wiser and deliberately considered on choices we may take. But what if the past scared you to even move on with new? You don't trust that much, you think too much, and it is even harder to let people in, because you've now know it better. 

Also, it's even better when you are starting to know your worth.

Some even say, you should be glad, cherish the wounds it symbolizes you had an intense life after all. Just because it happened you took it as a reason to lock yourself... That's just silly isn't? They say time will heal your wounds. Even if you keep it closed, don't stop giving out love for people and be generous. Slowly it helps to open your heart. 

I'd advise when things get complicated what I'd always keep in mind is my family. I can go to them whenever I feel like to, when life hits me hard, when confusion hits, heck even when I'm so happy that I'd die. You've got many of back ups you don't even realize. And the only one Almighty, Allah swt, ask Him to keep you in a clear track.   

All of this talking, based on what I feel. Sometimes feelings can change so is what I'm saying.

Flower Boy Next Door

7 Dec 2014 - in my new bedroom

It has been a week since we're here. Right now, I'm in a new house with only dominated by four head including me. I could honestly say I'm happy just as is, glad that we've moved out, so soon that I nearly broke but it's worth it, knowing that I don't have to face no longer her face but only in class. The reason why I'm here writing this is because I have nothing to do (no wifi-in progress no 3Gs) like I literally finished two novels in the bore of time and last night, I decided to watch this korean drama, titled The Flower Boy Next Door. It hits me hard when this one girl, a heroine of the drama itself, getting traumatised in her high school days that she locked herself in her apartment even when she already reached twenties. She's afraid to face the world just because of what happened, she was bullied at her school, was alone and worse her only best friend left her at that time. She suffered too much, which involves emotional wreck. They've crossed the line, not knowing the limit they should've stop pushing her too far. I don't really sure but I think she doesn't have the guts to defend herself and she just let things happen and bottling it all up. She gets lonely and alone until the time she feels enjoy and comfortable for being alone. By being alone, she thought nobody will get hurt and she will not hurt herself too. That's the part when this guy who is charming (not just that but he's a genius oh well something will not happen in real life) came out and save her from living in the box-showing her the outside world-dramas events-she has finally realised-she has changed-they both live happily ever after.

But what I really wanted to highlight is, yes, we have that dark times in past. I don't know about you but I myself had through it all alone, when I was 13-14yo I got ditched by this group friend of mine, (yes that time I was all innocent and a bit annoying to others) I've got to admit, half of it was my fault but I've learned from it. It was horrible of my life being alive and I wasn't a person who complain or telling it to anyone. Not even to my mom. I have this journal I keep to myself (I've burned it down imagining it would be found by any other human being I'd die of shame) I wrote and pour all the feelings and what was going on, knowing it's safer that way. I act all tough. Like you'd have no idea I'm shaking inside. I'm so proud of my young self whenever I think of it, I'd not be as strong as I was back then. But soon after half year (I can't exactly remember the period but I'm sure it was not a short of time), they're finally realised they had been over acted that they felt sorry and I was sorry too. 

Of course, that's not the ending but only a beginning, heck every day is. I'm meeting new group, new challenges, new dramas, new best friends (grateful to have). I also had lost someone who meant the world to me along the road. Well, someone we called best friend who is now a stranger. I wonder where would I be right now if we're still friends. Probably not here. Honestly no one can replace her no one could.

To the point where I'm right now haha it's impossible. Dude ladies got issues.
Things so complicated back then, lol not kidding. So is the present.

I've realised I've changed because of it, I try not to hurt anyone by my words, bit aware of the feelings of others. Not that I let people to push me down and use me how they want but I'm considerate enough, to deal and finding reason for every mis-action. But sometimes I get tired too, I don't please the bullshit. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you -but sometimes I'm not sorry -I'm only human. Like you. Like everyone else.

Sometimes I feel like telling everyone how I feel and sometimes I don't. But I guess I just did. I'm so messed up. Since this blog of mine not really known by much of my fellows I guess I could write anything I want without having to worry.

Thank you for reading, I hope you won't lose your mind because of it.

Friend?

Hello, today I'd love to express about something that I've been on recently,

Which is some of you guys might had experience it or just will. 

You might not realize who you are dealing with, positive and negative vibes at the same time, they are mostly come from your surrounding like closest person to you who you commonly call them friend. 

They are basically involves with your lives and responsible of shaping those mood and yourself!

Having friend is great. It's likely one of a kind when you can be your true self around them and they take it all as you are and together sticking around embracing each other's flaws. Being with them should make you feel better about yourself and not the other way round. 
They'd openly judge you but hurting you is far from beyond. I honestly wouldn't mind to get judged by my own Bestfriend because who knows me better than my Bestfriend. Right? They love me enough though, and I love them too. But only if you are my Bestfriend that you specially got those credit.

I love that kind of friends and I'm grateful for having some of them. Really.

What I really want to stress exactly is there are likely one of your friends that makes you feel horrible like most of the time you finally come to think that you are the loser one. I had one and I wasn't really prepared mentally for these thing which explains why I'm acting this way. I'm sorry but that's just it. I'm done. I'm f*cking done. I used to think that I was wrong until I hate myself for that. I hate for being me. That's just f*cked up, right?
At these low times, I'd advise you to take some time to spend with your family or your bestfriends. Bestfriend works best for me. They help and remind me of what is good and unique about myself. And who loves you without doubts if it is not your family members?

Well I know that is not healthy for you to think that way. You feel bad You think bad You come out bad Well you know what, just cut them off and starts to count the one who really cares for you. I can't help it but to feel that way and I'm sorry even I've tried my best to endure it a bit but that's it. I feel bad and I guess it's not right to sum it all up equal to worst. 

As for me, why'd you let yourself to feel that way? You don't need that kind of toxic which literally kills you inside. What's the most important is you can't lose yourself while trying to please these kind of people. I just came to the solution where you don't have to let them into your life? Well to be thoughtful only provide them into small space of your life. Some advice to me that, never feel bad because the first thing that you need is to love yourself. Being with someone who constantly bring you down isn't right for self treat. 

Lasty, triple *swear words* for those who says you can't do it.
Parasites are everywhere.